Things I'm learning...

So...

-I'm realizing how little control I have over anything that is in my life right now. Or really how little control I've ever had... For someone who likes to be in control of everything, that's a REALLY hard thing to wrap my head around... But at the same time, I have to let go and let God. Really, truly I do. I think that's the only way that I'm ever gonna find happiness in this life. And that's terrifying. That's something else that I'm finding out. Life, ALL OF IT is scary... terrifying in fact. Like whoa. And I'm kinda not okay with it. But seriously, there is nothing I can do. About any of it. Except for let go. Which is what I have to do. I'm not saying that I don't have the power to change my life, or make things in my life better. I know I have the power to make things in my life worse. I've had definite proof of that. But I too have the power to make things better. BUT with everything, I just need to let go. I'm trying to learn that. God help me. :)

Long Overdue, This Is.

- So other than my baby post, I haven't written a blog entry since I moved to Chicago. And as I finally have an apartment, and am currently sitting in it, I figured that I could maybe write a post. Again it will probably be baby, as even though I am wanting to write, as I have been writing this, my will to concentrate/write anything of significance or importance has wained.

-I'm wondering if there is something fundamentally wrong with me personality-wise. I realize that I can get clingy and probably too much to handle sometimes. I think that I am harder to deal with than I realize. No one thing is making me think this, but rather various events.... some throughout time. I dunno. I think I know what I am trying to say here, but am maybe not quite sure how to say it... I also think I'm being incoherent right now... yeah, okay, I'm gonna go check on my laundry and go to bed. Yep. That's happening.

Whoa.

I am in Chicago. I am living life. And ya know the crazy thing? Once I moved on, and started living life, life started giving me things to live. I think the Universe is pretty crazy that way...

Wishin' and hopein' and thinkin' and prayin'

So...

-My "S"key is missing on my keyboard... I've never been so keenly aware of how much I use a key...

-With about 2 weeks to move, I still have no place to live or roommate... This has caused me more stress, heartache, anxiety, fear, and general upset-ness than anyone will ever know...

-I've been missing the old boys from my life these past few days. I was in Duluth to see Alex and Christa get married, which was amazing! However, the hard part was going all of these various places and thinking "Oh Brian and I went there... That's where Brian..." etc. Now I would say I haven't actively missed Brian in quite some time. So I think that's where the weirdness came in. I realized that I still have slight feelings for him (which I guess I've probably known on some subconscious level for a while...) Others have surfaced recently too, both in my mind and in my life. It's just bizzare... and I'm not sure I like it. It makes me realize/think about what may or may not be missing... blech.

That's all for now I guess. I'm at the Cabin, so I may write more tomorrow... :)

Now, for some "The Good Wife"...

The (very short) Life of a Gypsy

-I am a good writer. I guess I've always known this, but reading over my last post solidified it for me once again. I enjoy reading my own writing. I enjoy reading my own blog. And I only enjoy reading things that are good. So that's gotta count for something right?

-I have not been in the same place for 24 hours since Monday. Tuesday I got off work at 1 pm and by 2 I was on the road. I have been to Madison, seen some VERY cute cousin babies (well technically toddlers). I also saw my cousins Heidi and Nea and realized that they have become my older sisters. I feel like I can talk to them about anything, and do so without judgement or reproach. I think I've always known this, but it was good to be reminded of it.

-We take a break from my gypsy recap to GUSH about the Turkey BLT wrap that I am eating at the French Meadow. Oh. Dear. Goodness. I think everything in life should contain thick-cut bacon. (Returning to our regularly scheduled programing)- I have been to Chicago. I saw both SBH and Lauren, though both visits were very short as I was in the city for less than 24 hours. It was good to see Sam out of the Mankato environment. I think I realized that he holds less power over me than I thought. It was good to see Lauren out of the Playhouse environment. I realize that I have one other time, but I am all about reminders right now (I'll get to that in a minute) but I am reminded of how much I love her. (OH GOODNESS THIS WRAP IS AMAZING.) It felt so good to audition again. To be in a room of people I hardly knew, and love it. To get to know people within the span of an hour. To do a children's piece again. There is something about children's theatre that helps my soul. It's over the top, but in a pure way, unlike farce. And while I know that all acting and theatre is rooted in truth, I feel like Children's theatre is more so than farce.

-I realize how much I hate driving long distances. At least alone. I know that I came to this realization during the drive last summer, but whoa does it suck. I also realize that with the exception of a turn and burn trip to the cities to pick Isaac up from Augsberg, that I haven't left the greater Mankato area since May 31st. I feel so alive.

-I have been in Minneapolis. This is my first stay that is longer than 24 hours since Tuesday. And it will be barely. It is so good to see Claire, as always. But for some reason I am equally if not more excited to see Kelsey. I think that Claire and I operate really well together on the phone or via whatever form of communication that we have available to us. And not that Kels and I don't have good phone convos, but I think that since Hamlet, I have seen Kelsey less than I have seen Claire. And that ain't right.

-I am 6 days away from a year anniversary of sitting at The Hub in Danville, KY and writing my first blog entry.

-Upcoming events: -August 19th, I leave for NC for a few days to see Jeff and Maggie get married! Also in attendance will be Sarah's Howell and Switanowski, Cari Maher and Sean Easter, Tim Bartlett, Mike McCree, and Nick Judy. I could not be more excited to see these people if I tried.

-August 24th is my golden Birthday. I have decided to have a dinner party, and invite only a few friends. I have come to the decision that a small low key party with 15 people that I would LOVE to talk to appeals to me so much more than a "Golden Birthday Bash." Also, I hope to get an iPod Touch. Materialistic I know, but when have I pretended not to be?

- Sept (TBD) Baby Cora Elizabeth Carpenter Judkins will be born.

- Oct/Nov Move to Chi-town

-Boy do I love to write, but now on to superfluous things like FB and Twitter. :)

-I am full of love in this moment. I don't know that it will last, but I am going to try my darnedest to hold on to it.

-MJLK

Sunrise

I saw the sunrise this morning. Not just the haze as the light comes up over the horizon, but literally I stared at the globe of the sun as it came up over the horizon. In an opening sequence of "The Lion King" type way. I almost started to cry. How? How does something that beautiful exist?

I've been asking that question a lot lately. How? How does CMW fix me every year? I don't think that it was as successful this year as it has been other years. The tough part was that it was hard to completely give myself over to it. I had a certain SBH on my mind. And he's always on my mind. That's another how? How can I meet someone who is so right for me in so many ways, but then isn't? And how can a person hurt another person so unintentionally? And how can a person not care that they're being hurt, since they're getting to see, to know, to feel. How can two of my best friends in the whole world, completely ignore me for a week and not even realize it? How can my pretty much best friend in the whole world be moving away from me? How do I know that despite everything, time and distance, that we'll be okay? How is it that Mollie and I have never been interested in the same guy before? How are Claire and I able to literally talk as though no time has passed? How do I deal with the fact that my little brother is going to college? How do I go to sleep? Question after question after question. But looking at that sunrise, seems to make them all okay.

I still can't get over how beautiful it was.

Emo McGhee

So...

-That is what I have been lately (and by this, I am referring to my title). Look at everything in my life. My blog posts, my music selection, my tweets, my thoughts, my text messages. I realize that this is a phase and that this is going to pass. I realize that I have done this before, and let's be honest, I will probably do it again. However that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck.

bare

Since I met you I’ve had so many 4 am evenings, and 2 pm mornings. Since I met you, I’ve hurt much more than I’ve felt in a while. Since I met you, I’ve felt much more than I’ve felt in a while. Since I met you I’ve loved more than I’ve felt in a while. Confusion is my norm. I talk about perfect kiss moments, wishing to have one, and knowing that it will probably never happen. Since I met you, I had an 11:11 wish come true. Not in the way that I was expecting mind, but it still happened.

Since I met you I’ve once again turned to superstition. Since I’ve met you, I’ve come to distrust my best friend. Since I’ve met you, you’ve become my best friend. Since I’ve met you WTF is constant state of mind, not a random passing thought or emotion. Since I’ve met you my 4^th of July didn’t suck. Since I met you, I have kissed more people than in the past years combined. All of my writing, posts, tweets, have turned to the emo. I find myself praying that each day is very hot, so that I can convince you to stay in the air conditioning with me.

Since I met you, I’ve seen a foggy sunrise. Since I met you, I’ve seen more sunrises than in the rest of my life. Since I met you , I worry about what I wear. I shave my face. My emotions change at the drop of a hat. Not that they didn’t before mind, but you notice them, and call them out. I’ve learned to like it rough. I feel like I have shed myself. Not in a bad way. In a way that is startling, and yet freeing.

Since I met you, I don’t know how to end this. I don’t know where we end. There are no lines or boundaries. And yet somehow, lines and boundaries are all that I can seem to think of. Never have I felt SO close to someone, while feeling so far away.

Since I met you I have enjoyed being tickled. I have NEVER enjoyed being tickled. Since I met you, I listen to music I didn’t think I would enjoy. I enjoy it. Since I met you I have eaten things I thought I would never like. I like them. How does this happen? How can one person have such a spirit and force for good in my life one minute, and cause me SO much heartache the next?

Since I met you, I have found meaning in all the songs. They are all about me. They all pertain to my situation in one way or another. Since I met you, I cry during music a lot. Not in a sad depressing way… because sometimes it’s just good to cry.

Since I’ve met you I’ve been present. I’ve been lucid. I’ve been feeling again. I don’t walk around wondering can I do this. Because I know regardless of everything, you have faith in me. I know others do too, but I guess I haven’t known it like this. Since I met you, I think I’ve confused you, and that thrills me and makes me sad.

Since I met you, I’ve written a poem.

I had a "Low Day" at work a few days ago... so I wrote this

I feel low today and I can't explain why... Is it typical boy stuff? Well not typical, more specific. Because I'm specific, and I'm a boy. I wouldn't care to be referred to as "typical." And he's not typical either. To be honest, I don't quite know what he is. I don't know him that well. I just felt the connection, the spark, the za-za-zu. How can that happen? I always feel I fall too quickly, and maybe that's true. But maybe it's everyone else who falls too slowly. My heart overflows. It is primed, pumped and on the verge. All someone need do is breathe on it, and it falls. And who is to say there's anything wrong with that? I have been built with a capacity to love that is unrivaled. I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much. The hurt, the sadness? It comes in waves and mainly while at work. Maybe its because I have a good piece of time, alone, to myself, that I am able to think. Thinking is my other problem. Wow. I feel like that says a lot about me. Both my heart and my head are over active... I get distracted. I help someone at work. I talk with a co-worker. I start reading. And then, as if my heart and head are in cahoots, I THINK "why was I upset again?" and then I remember and FEEL like blahmehbad all over again. I feel like I do this to myself, but how could I?

How can I?

When did this become the most important thing? I don't know. BAH! This was supposed to make me feel better, so why do I feel so low?

And then I smile. I see a family greeting their grandmother for her birthday. Hugs and kisses and every good thing. And would I give that up? Would I trade the feelings of love in exchange for not having to feel hurt and sad again? At this point, I'd like to say maybe. But I know it isn't true. That's just my wounds talking. And when you think about it logically, wounds shouldn't talk.

This was supposed to be a many faceted piece. There are layers and complexities to my sadness. I feel low for many reasons. I'm not a one-trick, head sick, heart sick pony. But the words just flowed, and I'm going to leave it there. So I guess I KNOW why I feel low, I just don't UNDERSTAND it.

Nostalgia... it'll hit you in the face.

So...

-I realize that I haven't been on here in a while. This is due in part to the fact that that I started a Twitter. It's to much easier to "blog" on Twitter. While YES I do only get 140 characters per entry, at the same time it's so instantaneous! So, even though I'm not SUPPOSED to be tweeting at work, at the same time, I am able to do so, and BOOM convey my thoughts.

-I saw Nikki's thesis show, Virgin Territory this weekend. It is so bizarre that this is her thesis show. My last deeply good friend is graduating MSU. Anyhow it was a beautiful piece of theatre. The integration of straight play, music and dance was fantastic. Honestly, having dance pieces in a play is normally not something that I would buy into. Dance isn't my language. And while I can appreciate it, I've rarely seen it done in a way that I was able to understand it, and in a way that moved me. This did both. It truly furthered the story in a, pardon the expression, musical theatre way. The dance was as needed for the story as much as some of the dialogue was. Speaking of the dialogue, it was written in a way that was so real for me. Granted, the charecters talk like Nikki would, her being the author and all, but still, it had this aspect of verisimilitude to it that I really appreciated. I wanted to be these character's friends! It was a well constructed world that I found really easy to get into.

-After the show, I got nostalgic. I became nostalgic for a time where I was on stage and was producing work that I was truly proud of. This led me to dig out some DVD's of shows I was in at school. While a part of me feels ashamed of this, another part says who cares? I'm not the mom in the second season episode of Buffy who watches her dead son's football tapes. I wouldn't even call it wallowing. I was just reminiscing, by myself. So I watched The History Boys first. I will admit to fast forwarding to my scenes only. :) However I began to use it as a learning tool. I've never quite studied myself before, and learned what worked and what didn't, etc. I found myself very engaged in the show, which I guess was a good thing. After that I watched Dog Sees God. Partially because Adam Moen came up to me, said he had watched it and what a good show it was. Partially because I saw Kelsey Strong last night and I miss that girl. Partially because Katie Moeller wrote on my Facebook wall. Partially because during Virgin Territory, I was inspired, and reminded of how inspired I was during DSG much in part due to Nikki. For all these reasons I watched it. I am immensely proud of this show. I cried at the end. Hard. And I feel as though it was actually due to the story, and the script rather than an "Oh, I miss this" cry. We all know I'm a Charlie Brown nerd, and I had forgotten how much this show touches that part of me. I think that I am still the most proud of that piece of theatre, than any other that I've done. I'm not saying it's the best... I'm just saying it's the thing I'm most proud of :)

Pinot Noir, Comps,Nikki and me...and exercise in improv writing

I do realize I'm stealing this... it's just so damn good... :)

First I will give a topic: The week. (Now Micah goes)

It started out innocently enough.

(N) Sure, if that is your idea of innocence...

(M) Micah worked on Sunday, while Nikki wrote and crammed for comps.

(N) It's been a week that legitamately involved brain surgery, sudden death, competency graduate exams and the beginning of tech; things have never so deserved pinot at the end of the night!

(M) Bitch stole my line... what I was going to say was: so it's understandable that at the end of this evening, there are 2 empty bottles of wine sitting on the counter. And I'm taking 2 sentences, cuz I don't care. Eat it.

(N)Well, technically, you are using way more that A sentence...that last one was like seven.

(MO)Well let's be real: a semicolon does not a 1 sentence make.

(B... for biatch)

(N) Nor did you use a semicolon, so I am not sure what you are referring to, ellipsis whore.

(M for Miatch) ... And then the princess said to the dragon : "Save me from the prince!"

(N) You're eating the cat!

(M) Turkey Taco... more like PINK taco!

(N) You know nothing of the pink taco. Mo.

(MO)Um... bascuse me, have you not heard the 5 year old story?!?!?

(N for Nikkako) I am not ready to go there on so many levels. New topic! What

have you learned this week?

(Mo)Always tell your mother you love her.

(N) When in doubt, bring your kid to the ER--it could really be something major.

(Mo)Split a chicken "crunch"/tender melt with your best friend... you'll be glad you did on MANY levels... the deepest being that even if you're helping her study for comps, you guys still get to hang out, and she may draw BOOM! on your hand.

(N)Also bring headphones to comps--Benji is a mayjah mouth breather. And?

(mo)One persons favorite musical that they listen to all the time, is another's water works special.

(69) Thank you and good night!

Angsty...

So-

I am not writing this to get any sympathy or are you okay comments or anything. I hate that shit. Like when people write sad/emo Facebook statuses, it pisses me off. No I'm just writing this because I don't know what to do with it right now. And writing seems to be the right thing.

I think that I may have had a slight panic attack at work tonight, and I don't really know why. I was reading, and all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to vomit and pee myself. I got this horrible taste in my mouth that still hasn't gone away. I felt simultaneously starving, and like I couldn't get myself to swallow a piece of food if I tried. Oh and I almost burst into tears. I also felt worthless. And stupid. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to be friends with me, let alone date me. I also felt like I couldn't stand to talk to anyone. I couldn't stand myself. It's the most bizarre feeling I've ever had in my life. Like I said, I didn't know what to do with this, and eventually it passed. But it took a while. It just kinda scared me. It made me wonder: "Is something fundamentally wrong with me?" I don't think that it is. I just think that I've got lots of pent up anger and sadness right now. I don't know what to do with it. I know that I am not suicidal. I just don't know. But it was good to get it out here.

Micah's "Top 10" Films of The Decade

-It is 9:23 on Wednesday morning, and I am sitting in the living room of Claire's apartment in Chicago. It's gorgeous! So far, I've been in this city less than 24 hours, and I kinda love it here... then again it MAY have something to do with the people who are here :) However, my Chicago-Claire-Ryan love fest can wait for another post...

-I decided to compile a list of my Top 10 films of the decade. It was NOT easy let me tell you. Now, a few caveats. It is by no means a perfect list. I'm sure that I'm forgetting something. In addition, I'm sure that as time goes on, some of these might fade. I think that I may be premature in putting a few on the list, simply because they are very much in my recent memory. That being said, please feel free to argue with me. Post your own top 10. Give me suggestions and replacements! Also, in the true Charlie Brown, wishy-washy fashion that is Micah, each entry pretty much includes a secondary choice with it. However in the end the first 10 movies are ultimately my top 10. These are also in NO particular order. Okay here goes:

1. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King

I count this one film, because in many ways it was. They shot the whole thing in one swoop, and it tells the same continuous story. Second to the BBC's miniseries version of Pride and Prejudice, this is quite possibly the best adaptation of a book, or books that I have ever seen. Everything is so completely realized. Acting is not compromised for effects. And an effect gives one of the strongest acting performances in the film. Sure, there are some missteps (Remember how Aragorn falls off a cliff and they have a dream sequence, so that they can keep Liv Tyler in The Two Towers ?), but ultimately this is one of the best pieces of film making, bar none. If you asked me to compile a list of my 10 films of all time, this would still be number one.

2. The Pixar Movies of the 2000's

Now, I know what you're thinking: that's not a movie! That's a cop out. Yes, perhaps. However when I list:

Monster's Inc.

Finding Nemo

The Incredibles

Ratatouille

Wall-E

Up

for me, it conjures images of some of the strongest story telling of the decade. Their stories and characters seem as real as they come. There's a reason that many of the scripts for their movies are nominated for Best Original Screenplay at the Oscars. They are just that. Original. Both Up and Wall-E made me cry. When a studio like Pixar has such a strong showing as all of these (Let's forget that Cars was in there too...), how can I pick one over the other?

3. Moulin Rouge

I had fantastically interesting experience when I first saw this movie. I didn't know what to think. I left the theatre feeling confused. However, when I spent the next couple days, consumed with thoughts of it, I realized that I loved it. Good movies should do that. We should walk out of the theatre and continue to think about it. Baz Luhrmann created an insane world. Full of color, ridiculous singing, and elements that often bordered on the campy. But the very real, passionate love story kept everything about this movie rooted in reality. The reason I chose this above all of the other movie musicals of the decade? Because with out its moderate initial success, and subsequent cult success, the movie musical probably would not exist in the 2000's. Chicago, Dreamgirls, Mamma Mia, The Producers, Glee, Sweeney Todd, RENT, Reefer Madness, Nine they all owe the fact that they exist, in film form, in part, to Moulin Rouge

4. The Dark Knight

Finally. A "comic book movie," that wasn't thought of as such. It was such a dark and gritty film, that we finally forgot that we were watching a superhero and his archnemesis do battle with each other. They were real people. We were invested in them. In someways, I'm using The Dark Knight to stand in for many of the great comic book movies that were made this decade. But when it comes right down to it... it's the best.

5. Little Children

I don't quite know what it is about this film that enthralls me so much. Part of it, I'm sure, is because of Kate Winslet who I feel is a consummate actress for our time. I also read and loved the book, and I felt as though the film really captured what the book had that I loved about it. I also hemmed and hawed about whether I should include this or Closer on my list. In the end, if for no other reason than the fact that it showed us the human side of a monster, and monstrous side of what is considered "normal human life", Little Children won out. Oh, and did I mention the sex on top of the washing machine scene??

6. Milk

Milk won out, over sheer cry factor. I was so ridiculously moved by this film. When it had reached its conclusion, it took me 5 minutes to stop crying. Sean Penn is a revelation in this film! In some ways it shares this slot with Brokeback Mountain, since again, I had a hard time choosing between the two. And while in someways I felt as though I was choosing between the two token gay films of the decade, in the end they are both about love and the human spirit. But I cried more during Milk...

7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind/ (500) Days of Summer

I know that this might feel like a cop out, but I literally couldn't choose. Both movies are similar in tone, and both share unique ways of telling a story on film. I also feel as though they both give a window into a modern relationship. Also, in traditional rom-coms, It's the female protagonist who is hurt and wants to take action regarding their broken relationship. In both of these movies, it's the male. They both also were made with extreme craftsmanship, again something not typically said of the genre. In the end, these two movies both made me examine love and the idea of it, as well as just made me feel good!

8. Pan's Labyrinth

This movie moved me in an incredible way. It's ability to weave fantasy and reality SO seamlessly took my breath away. With it Guillermo Del Toro proved himself as a storytelling force to be reckoned with. So many aspects of this film just sucked me in: its haunting score, one of the most horrific villains I've seen captured on film, stunning visuals... it just really took my breath away.

9. Juno

Talk about something with immense re-watch value. In some ways I suppose I could lump this up with (500) Days of Summer and Eternal Sunshine, but while I think it's a "modern take" I also think it's completely different. While the first conversation between Juno and Leah, is almost unbearable at time, I feel like this is one of the most quote worthy films of the decade. It's smart and funny, and doesn't shy away from pulling out the dramatic stops at times. I think that director Jason Reitman proved with this film (and Up In The Air for that matter) that he is a popular artist for our time. He understands we "crazy modern folk" , maybe almost better than we do ourselves. Now who knows if Juno will stand up to the test of time, but I think that if I had to pick one movie that represented America in the late 00's it would have to be the one. Man, I love this movie. Oh, and I can watch it OVER and OVER with out really getting sick of it... that's gotta be worth something right?

10. Avatar

I feel a little premature putting this on here. I don't know if I have enough perspective on it yet... though if I don't have the perspective on this, I certainly don't have it for (500) Days... This movie is a game changer, and I think that's how it will be represented in years to come, just as Star Wars is today. I mean, a movie that has moviegoers diagnosed with Avatar Syndrome, because they realize that Pandora isn't real? That's gotta be worth something right? Now, say what you want: the dialogue is hokey, the story is old and well tread, the acting... blah, blah blah, the fact of the matter is this movie is an experience. The whole 3-D aspect of it just adds another layer! I also feel as though I have to include this here because of James Cameron. I really had seen none of his movies until this past decade. I've liked every single one of them. I would put the first two Terminator films on my list of favorites of all time. Cameron just had a ridiculously inventive and crazy imagination. The fact that two stories like Avatar and The Terminator can come out of the mind of the same guy who brought teenage girls everywhere Titanic... to me that's pretty impressive.

Bonus: 11. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

I didn't feel right putting this on the list proper, since it wasn't released in theatres, and it's only 45 minutes long aka not "feature length"... but MAN I LOVE this movie! Neil Patrick Harris is genius, hilarious and heartbreaking. Plus something that can make me laugh so hard, and then turn on a dime and depress the hell out of me... well I'd say that, that's pretty impressive

Other Things That I Left Off The List:

Zodiac, Kill Bill 1&2, Into The Wild, Pirates of the Caribbean : The Curse of the Black Pearl, Sin City, The Squid and the Whale, The Royal Tennenbaums, The Princess and the Frog, Up in the Air, Brokeback Mountain, Closer, Batman Begins, Iron Man, Star Trek, Capote, No Country For Old Men, 28 Days Later, Gone Baby Gone, Love Actually, Children of Men, Dreamgirls, Chicago, Mamma Mia, Frost/Nixon, The Queen, The Harry Potter Series.

I'm sure there are more... so let me know what you think... what are your top 10?

...Via...

Well, ladies and gents, I'm here. The place where it all began. I'm in Madison. In the room where I have stayed for the past 6 (?) years. This is the place where I first began journaling. I don't know what it is about this room that inspires me creatively. It just does. To quote:

July 26, 2005

Well here I am. I don’t know what it is. Maybe its years of this hidden writing potential that I’ve stored up finally leaking it’s way out on to the page. More likely however it’s the fact that I’ve been watching “Sex and the City” and suddenly got the urge to become the male version of Carrie Bradshaw who doesn’t have sex.

So... maybe it had more to do with SATC. However, looking back I realize that I'm always here at a time of great change in my life.

2005- The summer before my first CMW and Freshman year

2006- The week after my second year of CMW, but the first time that I realized I was truly in love with it

2007- The summer after Toby and I broke up.

2008- Christmastime, after Geoff and I broke up.

2009- I stopped here both on my way to and from Kentucky

Now of course, I am here while I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. Granted, one COULD argue that I'm always at a crossroads, or that I always have drama going on. Howevah... I say nay to them.

-I FINALLY got word. Mint is a no go. :( Though this definitely means that I will work my ass off at getting a job, and making as much money as possible!

- I recently watched (500) Days of Summer. Wow. Never, in my life, have I watched a film that I felt was so real, even though in many ways the sole conceit of the film is artificial. It is told in non-chronological order, which I felt really enhanced the film. I kinda feel as though it's my generation's Annie Hall. When I say that I am not trying to blaspheme against Woody Allen... I just think that just as Annie Hall was about a modern relationship of the time, so too was (500) Days. I completely empathized with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who I feel is me. Period. I've also decided that this movie will be a perfect tool for me, for years to come. Whenever I start dating someone, I will put this movie in, and say "Okay... once you see this, you will understand totally and completely who I am." It was just... wow. See it. See it now.

- I'm beginning to compile a list of my top 10 films of the (past) decade. Look for it soon.

I'm thinking that's all for now. I'm gonna watch some Dreamgirls special features, and then TRY to get some sleep. Though lately I could swear I have insomnia. My dad thinks that it's just the fact that my hormones are all screwy, because I keep such strange schedule. I would NEVER admit this to him... but he's right :)

LOVE!

Chalk This Up to ANOTHER Late Night Ramble

So...

-I just watched the movie Elizabeth. It's been one that I've been wanting to watch for quite sometime now, but I just hadn't been in the right mood. Man, do I have a list of movie's I've been wanting to watch for quite sometime now. In someways it's distracting and a bit horrifying to me that before I die, I will not watch all the movies that I have wanted to watch. I don't quite know why. One might say that I should get out there and live life, rather than observe it on film. But film can be so much more to me than a "movie." First off every time I watch ANYTHING be it film or television (really, why do we separate these two things? Television is filmed, and film is often watched on television) I feel as though I get a free acting lesson. Elizabeth was NO exception to the rule. I can't quite pinpoint what was so magical about that movie to me, but it WAS. Cate Blanchett... wow. In terms of consummate performers I would put her in a category to me inhabited quite possibly only by Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet. WHAT? Am I blaspheming? Have I not included my beloved Nicole Kidman? Yes, I love her. And I think that she's amazingly fantastic. And while initially I was going to say that I put her in a different category, I change my mind. This category is now filled by Meryl, Kate, Cate, and Nicole. I'm sure that if I thought about it, there might be one or two more that I would put into that column as well. As for other actresses I respect, well they are the younger ones. I'd but them in my "Younger Actresses who will one day become Grande Dames to me" ie: Amy Adams, Anne Hathaway, Natalie Portman. Wow... what was supposed to be a bit with me extolling the virtues of a beautiful film like Elizabeth, has degenerated in to my kinda rambling on about actresses. I think that 4:17 in the am MIGHT be too late to form any coherent thought with which to write. Though late at night is when I feel probably the most verbose out of anytime of day. MAN I love that word!

In the words of one Cara Gorman... "I'm choosing to end this now"

Though I invite you: Do you have different categories of actors or actresses? Who are your favorites? Or do you just have one big melting pot? Perhaps sometime soon, I will compile a list. Though that might be boring for everyone BUT myself. Okay. Seriously. I'm stopping.

I'm Just Not That Into Him Just Not Being That Into Me

So...

-New Template... I think I like it.

-I fear saying this, because I feel as though if I put it out there, it becomes this thing that I constantly have hanging over me, and it negates itself. I wonder if it's like being breezy... because saying you're breezy negates the breeziness... BUT... I think that about a yearish after the fact, I am finally okay with being single again. I don't know what happened or how this switch got switched... but it did... I think. I can't tell for sure. I've also had rather successful dates the last two nights in a row. Last night Nikki and I both got Leann Chinn, grabbed a few things at Target, met some friends for some wine, and watched Beyoncé's I Am... Yours concert. All in all a fun successful date. Then tonight, Shannon and I rented a movie from Blockbuster, grabbed half off apps from Applebees, went grocery shopping, and watched He's Just Not That Into You. Again, all in all a very successful, fun, date night. And after walking out of Shannon's I got into my car, and briefly thought about Brian briefly, and I realized that while I miss him, I also am okay with being single right now. I've got great friends, can still watch and think about movies, have people who want to spend time with me. All in all... my life is okay right now. Granted, I'm terrified about the fact that I don't have much money, and what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life, but in this aspect... the one that I've been pretty much freaking out about since last spring break, I'm finally feeling calmer. Now of course, everyone says, as soon as you get to this point, someone else comes along. I would like to be very clear. I don't expect this to happen. I'm not putting this out there, expecting for that to come. Because that DOES sound like a very me thing to do. But somehow, magically that's not the case. Weird.

-So Finnegan and I watched He's Just Not That Into You tonight. While I don't know if I can say that I liked the movie, I will say it caused me to do some thinking, which is not what your normal romantic comedy does. To quote Nikki:

A) for 1) Why do none of my friends ever set me up with guys? Apparently this happens all the time. And yet, though I know my friends have other gay friends, I rarely get the set up. There have been 3 times this has happened. 1. Geoff (and it wasn't even Kelsey who tried to set me up, it was MJ) 2. Brian (Which was only really a mini set up...) 3. Nick. To me Nick was the closest thing to a set up that has happened to me. And even then, it was "Oh, you think he's cute? I'll introduce you." And props to Serena for doing even that! :) In theory, however, it could have gone something like this. The night we hung out, Serena could have said, "Oh! I have this really great guy friend who I think you would really like. You guys should totally grab a drink while you're in the city." That way, we could have had much more time to get to know each other etc. Now granted, I realize that I'm being a little cynical and irrational at this point. But still, I never get set-up really, ever. I'm ALWAYS the one who finds a cute guy. Then again, more and more, it seems like no one really truly goes on DATES anymore. And if they do, it's through some online dating something or other. Okay, I could write for a LOT more on this topic, so I'm going to move on.

B) for 2) Gays are ONLY secondary background characters who don't have real relationships, and walk around, limp-wristedly giving relationship advice. This is what one is to believe from this movie. Granted, kudos are in order for actually acknowledging the fact that gays are out there. But at the same time, I would have almost rather there were no gays in the film at all. Because all it did was further a stereotype. And with the approximately 8 different stories or relationships that were going on in this film, there was not one gay couple portrayed. GRRRRR. AND THEN. There was this whole bit about gay signals being different, basically saying that the only signals guys give each other is about sleeping together. If you make more than 3 seconds of eye contact then its on. GOD! WHAT COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT!!!! yuck. I can't even deal with talking about that any more.

C) for 3) Scarlett Johansson is a dirty skanky ho. A home wrecking ho.

Okay there's more, but in my head there's lots more. Like I could write many paragraphs on various different points. And I'm tired and want to watch LOST. So that's what I'm going to do.

Ooops...

I may have said I would post some pictures in the post below...

Wisdom Teeth Day 1:

More Day 1: And Day 2... see a difference?:

Meeting a certain princess in her 1 woman show!:

Also, I intended to write these few other things

Currently Reading: The Stand (However I haven't read much of it lately, due to:)

Currently Watching: LOST: Season 2. I'm trying to re-watch the whole thing before the premiere, Feb 2nd.

Okay... and NOW I'm done... :)

Absense Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

Ah! My first post of the new year. I sometimes feel that there is something auspicious about blogging. Not that it necessarily brings me anything particularly good, but that when I do it I'm in a good place. Or at least a place where I'm somewhat at peace and feel comfortable. To keep with a stream of consciousness: I can't spell necessarily for the life of me. Not with out the aid of spell check anyway. This causes me quite a bit of strife and heartache in regards to texting. It seems to be one of my go to words. And I don't really know. I think that it just makes me feel slightly more intellectual than using "always."

I totally didn't keep my resolution to blog everyday while I was in NYC. Things just got too crazy. Suffice to say I had an amazing, almost seemingly charmed trip. Met Carrie Fisher. I will post that picture at the end of this. Just cuz I can't seem to get enough of showing it off. I also may post a wisdom tooth picture too (Let me mention: I got my wisdom teeth out, Dec 30th). They're on Facebook, but I think that I want to start posting pictures here.

Whilst in NYC I started talking with Brian again. It was really just... well nice. It reminded me why I dated the guy in the first place. We had interesting and impassioned conversations about theatre. It really made me miss being a psudo-intellect on Facebook. Feeling as though I was being verbose and interesting. That my words made me a more interesting person. I just feel kinda detached from the written word as of late. Actually, thats not the only thing that made me feel that way. For Christmas, Heather gifted Kelsey the initial fee for match.com. Kelsey has been e-flirting with a guy. And his responses are very well written. I when I say well written, what I mean is, they remind myself of me :) It made me miss being excited to possibly see a letter in the inbox of your e-mail or Facebook account that might make your stomach do a little leap. I don't know. I think maybe I enjoy being intellectually wooed. It speaks to the cerebral side of me, that as of late, post school, hasn't gotten much exercise. I should write a short story, or a short play for that matter.

Another, whilst in NYC (ISN'T WHILST A GOOD WORD?!?): I met a guy. The tale is heartwarming, and heartbreaking simultaneously. Obviously I of ALL people know that long distance doesn't work. And I'm only talking about long distance in terms of the 4 hour drive to Duluth (more on that later...). This would have been long distance on a grand scale. A 24 hour drive long distance. A "it's smarter to just fly" long distance. And in the end, I think I fell for him, because it had been SO LONG since I had someone who I found cute, find me cute back. Like in a stupid "Oh my gosh! You like Crunch bars too!" sort of way. Of course he liked Crunch bars. LOTS of people like Crunch bars. But it felt like something special. He was the best kisser I have kissed in a long time. Like a long time. Like, things were so impassioned, that I almost gave it up. Too personal? I don't care. :) But unlike my previous two such forays, he was the smart one. The one who was smart enough to not even entertain the idea of being long distance. He gave me the first taste of what it would be like to realio trulio date someone. And looking back, it was probably one of the best things that I could have asked for. (Emo.)

I went apartment hunting with Henderson today. It made me realize that I'm probably going to be pretty picky when it comes to finding my next place to live. Good or bad? I haven't decided yet.

So as of now I can't find this blog on Google. I sort of wish that you could, and I may look into it. If for no other reason that I always had it with the intention that SOMEONE other than Nikki would read it ;) But I don't really want to post it on Facebook. For while I agree that there is something oxymoronic about writing a personal blog on the internet, and not wanting anyone to find it, I kinda want some people to find it. Maybe without my having to nudge them into it... hmmm. Dilemma, dilemma.

My teeth feel really fuzzy toward the back of my mouth. Gross. Damn hurty wisdom teeth.

Okay... that may be it for now. I'm going to investigate if there is a way to have this found anyway OTHER than Facebook... :)

-MJLK