HOLY. CRAP.

I just looked at the thing, at it says that I haven't written since March. That is insane. It's good, cuz that means that I haven't been moping around my apartment, or obsessing about things. I've been getting out and doing things. I don't really have the awakeness to write anymore now, but perhaps I will soon. Just glad that this will say August instead of March. Just sayin...

Infrequent

So...

I don't quite feel like writing this suddenly, but also feel like I should, as it's been over a month. For a little while there, I was becoming a better blogger. But at the same time I like the fact that I've been infrequent. That means that I've been doing things, which I am a fan of.

I changed up my coffee shop karma today, and went to "The Coffee Studio", which is quite a bit further from my apartment, but also makes for a slight adventure, which I am a fan of.

I feel oddly comforted that Claire and Ryan AREN'T here right now. It's forced me to find new people, and strengthen my relationships with my newer friends who I maybe haven't known QUITE so well. It's good. I really like it. At the same time, I really miss my Wellebelle and Mr. Gaffney. They're pretty swell.

I started writing a scene. It's strictly autobiographical in nature, and may be ridiculous and awful, but who cares? I'm writing. And that's good.

I've started tweeting more. It's easy to do. And portable, ESPECIALLY since I have no interwebs in my apt. anymore...

Clearly this is a point by point blog. And I don't quite have any more points. So I'm choosing to end this now.

OSCAR TIME!!!!

So...

All sorts of everything in life has kinda derailed my excitement about one of my favorite things ever. Until now. Yep. I've finally got my Oscar Fever going on! I've got my Oscar evening planned; have almost seen ALL of the movies for the top 5 categories... yup! So, let's get into it shall we?

Have Seen So Far (In The Top 5):

Toy Story 3

Inception

The Social Network

The Town

The King's Speech

Rabbit Hole

The Kids Are Alright

The Fighter

Winter's Bone

Black Swan

True Grit

Blue Valentine

Have Yet To See (In The Top 5):

127 Hours (Tomorrow?)

Animal Kingdom

Biutiful

Others I've Seen That Are Nominated (Not Top 5):

How to Train Your Dragon

Alice in Wonderland

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1

Iron Man 2

Salt (?!)

Tangled

Okay, enough with lists and onto thoughts

Toy Story 3

Bah. I loved this movie. I think much of it had to do with the fact that I GREW UP with these movies. I grew with these characters (much like HP movies) and with Andy, so that the poignant ending was I feel a beautiful end for the series and kinda a nice little capper to my childhood in a way. I CRIED at the end. Just like everyone else who saw this movie. Who knew that toys could have been so real!

Inception

Perhaps the MOST original movie of the last decade? I mean, I think that Christopher Nolan is the next James Cameron, probably better. What I mean by this, is that Nolan is an ORIGINAL storyteller, who tells ORIGINAL stories, while still keeping them mainstream/ dabbling in franchise work. AND he's a writer of all his scripts. Just like Cameron. This movie was so visually stunning, and I wish that people and the Academy would not judge it on the fact that it was a summer blockbuster, and is technically a genre piece. And the fact that Nolan was snubbed in the director race. RIDICULOUS. The movie WAS the direction. Talk about visual style! I don't know that it's the "Best" picture, but it's one of the best of the year. For sure.

The Social Network

If I was a member of the Academy, and I voted with my head over heart, this would EASILY be my Best Picture of the year. A) I'm in love with Aaron Sorkin, so I guess that it already gives it the upper hand over its competition. B) I've loved Jesse Eisenberg since "The Squid and the Whale." 'Nuff said. The interesting thing about this movie? I love about it, exactly what I didn't about "The Hurt Locker" last year. It's immediate. It's a story for today. However, I think that it, so much more eloquently (Thanks Mr. Sorkin), captures a specific moment in time, BUT also makes it timeless. If it doesn't win Best Screenplay (Adapted), I will NOT be happy. :)

The Town

The fact that "Winter's Bone" or even "127 Hours" (though I will hold judgment until I see it) were nominated for Best Picture over this movie really upsets me! :( It was just so good. And TENSE. Jeremy Renner EASILY deserves this nomination. And I think he would win, in a year where Christian Bale wasn't in the same category as he was. This is my "Should be nominated for Best Picture" movie.

Rabbit Hole

A pretty good movie, that is very much about the actors. I wasn't a huge fan of the changes to the script, and just like every movie that transfers from stage to play, didn't love the fact that they felt the need to have everything take place in a million different places. AND while I LOVE Nicole Kidman and think she TOTES deserves this nomination, where was Aaron Eckhart's? He was robbed.

The King's Speech

If I were an Academy Voter and voted with my heart, I would be torn between this movie and "The Fighter" for Best Picture. Such a lovely simple film, that SO works, because the relationship between Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush is SO good. I loved it. It made me happy. Which not many Oscar movies do... :) Also, thank you Helena Bonham Carter for playing a normal person. You do it well. Do it more often. (Small note for Pride and Prejudice nerds... notice who played Geoffrey Rush's wife? Why yes it WAS Jennifer Ehle, who played Lizzie to Colin Firth's Mr. Darcy in the '96 Pride and Prejudice. I may have let out a squeal of glee when I saw the two of them reunited for the briefest of moments).

The Kids Are Alright

I thought this was such a nice little simple movie. And can completely understand why it was nominated. Annette Bening, Julianne Moore (who may be the most undervalued actress in Hollywood currently) and Mark Ruffalo are fantastic. It's a nice simple love story about two women who are married, that DOESN'T revolve around the fact that they're lesbians. What a concept! I LOVE THAT! Does it stand a chance of winning Best Picture? Nope. But I still liked it.

The Fighter

Boy oh BOY did I love this movie. Like, whoa. Wahlberg, Leo, Bale, Adams BLEW me away. Again, another movie that made me feel good at the end. My OTHER choice for Best Picture, heart wise. Yes, Christian Bale was great. Yes, Melissa Leo was great. But Mark Wahlberg and Amy Adams were my favorites. Wahlberg's performance was so understated. And Adams? Well she's come a LONG way since the slutty cheerleader in "Drop Dead Gorgeous." She turns out a KNOCK OUT grounded performance. I KNOW Melissa Leo will win, but if it were up to me Best Supporting Actor would go to Amy Adams. (Or Hailee Steinfeld... but more on that later)

Winter's Bone

A great acting piece. Shot very handily. However, I don't know that it belongs in the "Best Picture" category. There are some great, intense scenes in here... but I don't know that they're anymore than great acting showcases. The story was simple, but didn't really grip me. In my mind, the movie belongs to Jennifer Lawrence. This is definitely a star maker.

Black Swan

Another movie where I enjoyed certain elements more than the whole. HOLY BEAUTIFUL, BATMAN. The colors, shots, cinematography in general was just amazing. I also really enjoyed Natalie Portman in this lots too. I kinda found her slightly one note, but I think that may have been the fault of the script. Which brings me to my biggest problem with the film... I don't know HOW much sense the story made. Yes, it's slightly twisty and turney, and you're not supposed to connect all the dots, but Inception was that way too, and made WAY more sense than Black Swan. So like I said, I thought Portman was great, and that it was visually stunning... I just kinda wanted... more.

True Grit

Okay, seriously, Coen Bros... are we ever going to have another Oscar year without your movie being nominated for Best Picture? :) That being said, I REALLY enjoyed "True Grit." Just as everyone has said before me, it was a far funnier film than I expected! Jeff Bridges, and Matt Damon's banter and performances were delightful. That being said, I LOVED, repeat, LOVED Hailee Steinfeld. She was the film for me. Completely believable, grounded, sweet, and just lovely. I cared about her SO much! For me, it's between her and Adams as Best Supporting Actor.

Blue Valentine

Okay... this was a VERY hard movie for me to get through... I kinda watched it through a veil of tears from a certain scene (I won't give anything away, but Michelle Williams makes a choice halfway through the movie that changes things for both her and Ryan Gosling's characters) onward. It was one of the most beautiful and brutally honest movies that I have seen in a long time. And I think I believe in love a little less after having seen it. While Williams received the nod, and deservedly so, Gosling also blew me away. I very much ended up relating to and siding with his character, even though there are many aspects of his character that would drive me crazy in real life. For that reason, I think that he deserves a nod too.

So... only about 3 movies to go until I have seen "everything." I'm excited, because that hasn't happened in a while! Come Feb 27th I will be ready! Now, with having not seen the last three films, these are my choices for the "best" of the year... not my predictions, but my CHOICES.

Best Picture

The Social Network (Sorkin tipped the scale for me here)

Best Actor

Colin Firth

Best Actress

Natalie Portman

Best Supporting Actor

Jeremy Renner

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams

What do you think? Thoughts? Agreements? Disagreements? If I completely change my mind between now and seeing the last 3 films… well I guess I’ll alter this…

********

Update! 2/13

127 Hours

I had no expectation ever to like this movie. I mean, it's the movie about the guy who cut his arm off. But I found it thrilling, fascinating, horrifying, and just all around good. The movie is basically just James Franco. I guess I didn't know how much to expect it to be... but it was. Pretty much just him for the whole movie. And when you've got someone who is the whole movie, you'd better like them, and I did. I REALLY liked Franco. He was fascinating. Seeing his transformation in the film was what really got to me. I don't know that it's "Best Picture" per se, but I liked it more than some of the others in the category. And I think that I might kinda want James Franco to win Best Actor. I mean the guy IS the movie... and whoa does he do a good job!

Mer.

How do I get back to November 23rd? I would like to go there please. I hate today.

Focus, focus, what's go the focus?

When did I begin to want to be a housewife. Cuz that's what I feel like most days. I just wanna meet someone and settle down. Is this the deep seeded midwestern-ism, sitting inside of me? I remember a Micah who while he was very interested in finding a partner in life, at the same time primarily cared about his career. And now it almost feels the reverse. It feels like while I would like to get acting jobs, the main thing that I want in life is a partner. Someone who I can spend my life with. Why can't I find a better balance between the two things? Are these two aspects of my life that are destined to be out of balance for the rest of it? To be Carrie Bradshaw for a moment, I couldn't help but wonder, is it possibly to be completely fulfilled in your career and your love life. I guess that if you were at least looking at most people the answer would seemingly be yes. And I guess yes, there have been instances where I was fulfilled within both areas of my life. But in an ultimate purposey kinda way... I dunno. It's interesting to look at my parents as models. Mom has never really had any TRUE career ambitions. I think that ultimately she has seen her role as a caretaker and or housewife. She never saw herself as booksmart, though she is a pretty damn smart woman. She and my dad met in college, dated for two years and got married. The career baton in their relationship has always belonged to my father. He literally never dated anyone till my mom. She was his first girlfriend. How amazing is that? He underwent some pretty crazy career stuff though. Initially he was going to be a pastor, but didn't, until he reached seminary, realize that he didn't want to do that. At the same time though, it's never seemed as though he compromised his integrity when comes to jobs. And the one job he got that he couldn't stand (for more than an hour) he quit (for the record, it was a Wendy's). But my dad was in school till I was 15. He was I believe, 45. Does this mean that I am doomed to not REALLY know or really settle into a career until I'm middle aged? I know that I am my own person, but at the same time, you have to wonder (again with the Bradshaw) how much our parents and their relationships really inform ours. Well, the caffeine is kicking in, and so the introspection is leaving me... but I'm sure I may have more thoughts on this soon...

Love is...

Finally, from my guy, something that I can get behind:

Peppermint Patty: What do you think love is, Chuck?

Charlie Brown: Well, years ago, my dad owned a black 1934 two-door sedan. There was this really cute girl. She used to go for rides with him in his car. And whenever he'd call for her, he would always hold open the car door for her. After she got in and he had closed the door, he'd walk around the back of the car to the driver's side. But before he could get there, she would reach over and press the button, locking him out. Then she'd just sit there and wrinkle her nose and grin at him. That's what I think love is.

Yup.

What I Lose: An Essay Poem

Break-up’s suck. If there’s a universal truth that one could agree on, I feel like this might be it. I have no delusions that I am special on this front. Everybody hurts, bleeds, cries, aches, vomits (emotionally and physically). And while I realize that this Jane Austen truth, that a break-up is a colossal, profound loss of a partner and a lover, to me it’s much more and much different. It’s all the little deaths. Tiny mini dream deaths. Keeping the bed warm death. Cuddle up to me death. A your face is the first thing that I see in the morning and it makes me thrill, smile and be at peace death. A let’s make summer plans death. A valentine dies. You’re my automatic plus one no more. I cease to communicate with you with every whim or thought I have because, we don’t do that anymore, because it’s a little death. Tell Mr. Sondheim he got it wrong. Every Day A Little Death? Try every hope a little death. Every thought a little death. Your smile kills me. And what happens to the words you’ve said to me? Do those die too? Have I ceased to make you safe? Maybe to me that’s the biggest mystery. Where do the feelings go? Do you just wake up one day and think, okay, I’m done? Do they dissipate? Evaporate? Rhyme intended. Inside joke intended. How is it that no one has these answers? We’re supposed to be logical and practical about these things which logic and practicality do not apply. We’ve been in each others lives. Known each other intimately. And I hate to live in a world where that fact doesn’t exist. When I’m just a friend to you. Can’t we be friends and former significant others? Friends and former lovers? Again, with the intended rhyme. I don’t have a problem with friends. I have a problem with being friends with no history. Do I hope that you’re having these same thoughts and feelings too? Sadly, yes. Not because I wish you pain, because that is the LAST thing that I would ever wish you. But because if you feel these little deaths too, then I know that I’ve touched you. To me, that is what’s most important.

Love.

I deserve it. I realize that this might be a no brainer, but sadly, I don't know if I've always believed it. Hell, I still don't know if I do. But the fact of the matter is, I recognize this now. This is I GUESS what one refers to as a break through... I think that until I believed this, perhaps I wasn't ready for it to happen. But I am now. The thing that's awful is that obviously, as I have had much proof already, it's probably going to suck. But I can't let that stop me. (CMW quote...) I am lovable, and capable. God loves me, so why can't someone else? It's gonna happen. The other thing that I realize is that not everything that happens is permanent. Optimism is not dead in me. I need to embrace that more. BUT I DON'T need to feel guilty about being sad. Just because someone has it worse than me does not trivialize my pain, or make it any less real or relevant. I can't imagine the specific pain that someone is going through, but I can imagine pain. For sure. So I don't need to feel guilty for feeling sad, or having to talk about the pain that I'm going through, because it's just as real and as relevant as other things, just in different ways.

How's that for cryptic, deep, and internalized? :)

I deserve to be loved.

An Angsty Interlude...

I'm fundamentally sad right now. Like it's my norm, my place of zero, the place from which all other things start. Like really, when people ask me how I am, I should reply, "Sad". The problem is, no one wants to actually hear a real answer when they ask that question. They just want you to say good, and to move on with their day.

I'm writing this at 2:52 in the Am. The reason why? So that I will fall asleep and we tired enough to not wake up too early tomorrow. When I'm depressed, I often wake up at 7:30/8 every morning. The goal for tomorrow? To sleep in.

I hate this post. It was supposed to be all poetic. But here's the moral. My heart has been broken, no, shattered. AGAIN. I don't know how I'm going to move on with my life. I just don't know. I"m fundamentally sad. It's all the little dreams that died that make this especially hard. Okay, I think I might actually get to sleep. I hope I see him there, in good circumstances. That's how I'd like to remember him.