I had a "Low Day" at work a few days ago... so I wrote this

I feel low today and I can't explain why... Is it typical boy stuff? Well not typical, more specific. Because I'm specific, and I'm a boy. I wouldn't care to be referred to as "typical." And he's not typical either. To be honest, I don't quite know what he is. I don't know him that well. I just felt the connection, the spark, the za-za-zu. How can that happen? I always feel I fall too quickly, and maybe that's true. But maybe it's everyone else who falls too slowly. My heart overflows. It is primed, pumped and on the verge. All someone need do is breathe on it, and it falls. And who is to say there's anything wrong with that? I have been built with a capacity to love that is unrivaled. I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much. The hurt, the sadness? It comes in waves and mainly while at work. Maybe its because I have a good piece of time, alone, to myself, that I am able to think. Thinking is my other problem. Wow. I feel like that says a lot about me. Both my heart and my head are over active... I get distracted. I help someone at work. I talk with a co-worker. I start reading. And then, as if my heart and head are in cahoots, I THINK "why was I upset again?" and then I remember and FEEL like blahmehbad all over again. I feel like I do this to myself, but how could I?

How can I?

When did this become the most important thing? I don't know. BAH! This was supposed to make me feel better, so why do I feel so low?

And then I smile. I see a family greeting their grandmother for her birthday. Hugs and kisses and every good thing. And would I give that up? Would I trade the feelings of love in exchange for not having to feel hurt and sad again? At this point, I'd like to say maybe. But I know it isn't true. That's just my wounds talking. And when you think about it logically, wounds shouldn't talk.

This was supposed to be a many faceted piece. There are layers and complexities to my sadness. I feel low for many reasons. I'm not a one-trick, head sick, heart sick pony. But the words just flowed, and I'm going to leave it there. So I guess I KNOW why I feel low, I just don't UNDERSTAND it.